I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
