and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
