Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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