You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
