so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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