I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
