Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
