Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
