Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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