Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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