i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
