Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
