im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
