okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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