I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
