shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
