the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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