i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
