Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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