Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize