I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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