I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
