Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
