so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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