New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
