Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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