I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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