dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
