His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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