Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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