I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
