I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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