I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
