Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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