I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
