I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
