Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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