Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
