your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
