if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
