she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
