based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
