I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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