Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
