I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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