i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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