Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
