I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize