ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
