Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
