my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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