I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So vagazzling was a success
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
