her vagina looked like bernie madoff
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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