Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
