I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
