Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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