her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
