omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
