I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Randomize
