You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
