I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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