I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The air taste purple.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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