i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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